Coping with Grief at Christmas
If you've recently lost someone close to you, Christmas can be an especially difficult time.
Grief can come in many forms, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grieving is a highly individual experience and process. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experiences your faith and how significant the loss was to you. It can be a very difficult time, but there are healthy ways to deal with the grieving process.
Grief is a natural response to a loss, it's the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone is taken away from you. Often, the pain of a loss can feel overwhelming. We can grieve for the loss of a loved one, the breakdown of a relationship or marriage and the loss of a pet, amongst many other things. Most of us will experience a loss of some sort during our lives. You may experiences all kinds of difficult emotions from shock, anger, disbelief, guilt and profound sadness. The pain of a grief can also disrupt your physical health , making it difficult to sleep, eat or even think straight. These are all normal reactions.
It's incredibly important to talk about grief, if somebody you know is grieving, or has recently been bereaved, check in with them, see how they are doing. The best and kindest thing you can do to support someone, is listen and be present.
Many people ask, how long does the grieving process take? The grieving process takes time and should not be hurried. How long it will take depends on you and your situation. In general, though, it takes most people one to two years to fully recover from a major bereavement. It’s common to feel especially vulnerable at times such as their birthday, the anniversary of their death, and during the Christmas holidays.
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Feelings when someone dies
You may feel a number of things immediately after a death.
Shock: It may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. The shock can make you numb, and some people at first carry on as if nothing has happened. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back. Many people feel disorientated - as if they have lost their place and purpose in life or are living in a different world.
Pain: Feelings of pain and distress following bereavement can be overwhelming and very frightening.
Anger: Sometimes bereaved people can feel angry. This anger is a completely natural emotion, typical of the grieving process. Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or when you had plans for the future together. We may also feel angry towards the person who has died, or angry at ourselves for things we did or didn’t do or say to the person before their death.
Guilt: Guilt is another common reaction. People who have been bereaved of someone close often say they feel directly or indirectly to blame for the person’s death. You may also feel guilt if you had a difficult or confusing relationship with the person who has died, or if you feel you didn’t do enough to help them when they were alive.
Depression: Many bereaved people experience feelings of depression following the death of someone close. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning and some people say they too want to die.
Longing: Thinking you are hearing or seeing someone who has died is a common experience and can happen when you least expect it. You may find that you can't stop thinking about the events leading up to the death. "Seeing" the person who has died and hearing their voice can happen because the brain is trying to process the death and acknowledge the finality of it.
Other people's reactions: One of the hardest things to face when we are bereaved is the way other people react to us. They often do not know what to say or how to respond to our loss. Because they don't know what to say or are worried about saying the wrong thing, people can avoid those who have lost someone. This is hard for us because we may well want to talk about the person who has died. It can become especially hard as time goes on and other people's memories of the person who has died fade.
You can find out more about Bereavement and Loss here
What helps with Grief?
Dealing with a loss at University
What does Grief look like
After the death of someone very close
Help is at hand - Bereaved by suicide
How to deal with bereavement at Christmas
Coping with anniversaries and reminders
Recently diagnosed with a terminal illness
Useful information / contact details
Grief can damage your mental health
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We know that facing Christmas alone, or whilst grieving, can be a daunting prospect.
Here are some practical ways to cope with the loss of a loved one over Christmas:
1. Consider different ways of celebrating
One of the things that can help can be to spend some time trying to work out, well in advance, which arrangements will best suit your needs and the needs of others who share your loss. Some bereaved people find that they do not wish to celebrate Christmas at all, whilst some find that simply maintaining their routine and celebrating as normal is the best tribute they can pay their loved one. It may feel important to make a special effort to remember the person who has died. This can be as simple as ‘speaking’ to the person, silently or out loud, or it may involve visiting their grave, or a place that was special to them. These can be things that we do alone, or with friends or family. You may have photos or particular memories which you treasure; sharing these with others may be something that brings you together.
2. Accept that others may have different ways of mourning
We know that people remember and mourn in different ways. Conflict within a family can sometimes arise when we have expectations of how others should grieve, so try to be sensitive to others’ needs, and to talk openly about what will be best for you.
3. Try to maintain a routine
The Christmas period may mean that your normal routine is disrupted, and this can make it easier to forget to look after yourself. Trying to keep to regular patterns of sleeping and eating are small things that can make a difference. Seeing friends or family, or volunteering for the day, can all help.
4. Limit your alcohol consumption
We can all drink more on festive occasions, but it’s important to remember that using alcohol to escape the pain of loss provides only very temporary relief. If you find you're relying heavily on drinking alcohol, consider taking some drink free days. You can also find advice from Drink Aware on how to reduce your alcohol consumption.
5. Remember the happy times
Even many years after someone dies Christmas can be a difficult, intensely emotional time when we need to look after ourselves and those around us. But as time passes, special occasions like Christmas can help us remember happy memories of good times shared in the past.
6. Skip the Christmas films
It can be tough when you are bombarded by images of people enjoying happy family times. If it’s getting too much, consider taking a break from the Christmas TV and social media and maybe take a walk or get some fresh air in any way you can.
7. Talk to someone
If you're struggling to deal with the grieving process over Christmas, you can call the Cruse National Helpline on 0808 808 1677, see here for opening hours. Alternatively you can message a trained grief counsellor using our CruseChat service 9am - 9pm Monday - Friday.
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Christmas can be a really difficult time if someone close to you has died. Nothing can make up for not having someone special with you.
It can be tempting to try and avoid the pain by avoiding things which bring sad thoughts and memories. This is difficult at Christmas time as we are bombarded by reminders, but you shouldn’t feel pressured into celebrating when you are not ready. On the other hand, many people do find ways to mark Christmas in a way which is special for them and for the person who has died.
It’s important that what you do has meaning for you and those close to you.
Here are some suggestions that other bereaved people have told us can help:
Remember them in your home
If you are someone who likes to decorate for Christmas, there are ways you can make your relative or friend part of that. Some people like to light a special candle near a picture of their loved one. Or you could hang something of theirs on the Christmas tree, or hang up a decoration including their name or picture.
If you look online there are lots of places offering personalised decorations to buy, or you could have a go at making one yourself
Visit them
Visit the place where they are buried or where their ashes were scattered. Take them a card or try saying a few words.
Include them in the giving
It might feel strange but there is no reason why you shouldn’t buy a present or write a card to someone who has died, if it feels right for you. Or you could buy a gift on their behalf for a cause or charity they supported.
You are important too – it’s fine to buy yourself something you know they would want you to have. If you’ve lost a partner and have young children, they might need help to buy a present for you, so you might want to ask a friend or other relative to help them.
Do something that they would have enjoyed
Another way to remember someone is to do something you know they would have enjoyed. You might like to get together with friends or family (taking into account current social distancing rules) and watch their favourite film, or listen to some Christmas music you know they liked. Or you could go on a walk to somewhere that has meaning for you all.
Share your memories
Talking about someone who has died can be comforting. If you are meeting with friends and family at Christmas it can be a really nice time to take it in turns to share a memory or story about the person you’ve lost.
Take some time out
Christmas can be a very busy and frantic time for some people. It’s fine to take some time out for yourself. If you can get away from everything for an hour or so to just be with your own thoughts of the people you are missing. Or it's fine to distract yourself with a book, film, or exercise. It can give you a boost of strength before you get back into the fray.
Or perhaps you are on your own, with a seemingly endless stream of happy family pictures on the TV, radio and social media. Again it can help to take a ‘Christmas break’ and do something completely different. You can call the Cruse helpline if you are struggling alone with thoughts of someone who has died.
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When you can't visit someone who is ill
When a parent has died, it's ok to need support
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Suggestions to support yourself when you’re grieving
Do….
Talk to other people about the person who has died, about your memories and your feelings
Look after yourself
Eat properly and try to get enough rest (even if you can’t sleep)
Give yourself time and permission to grieve •
Seek help and support if you feel you need it
Tell people what you need
Don’t…..
Isolate yourself
Keep your emotions bottled up
Think you are weak for needing help
Feel guilty if you are struggling to cope
Turn to drugs or alcohol – the relief will only be temporary
Who to Contact?
Cruse Bereavement Support - Free helpline 0808 808 1677
Marie Curie - Care and support through terminal illness. Call free on 0800 090 2309 to speak to a trained member of the team, or book to speak to one later or have regular support.
Bereavement Support for Young People
UK–wide national helpline offering support, information and guidance to children, young people and anyone caring for a child/young person who has been bereaved. The trained staff can listen, offer support, provide information, give options and practical suggestions about how to deal with bereavement and anyone affected. They also have a message board for young people on their website.
Helpline: 08088 020 021 Website: www.winstonswish.org.uk Email: via website
Supports families when a child of any age dies or is dying, or when a child is facing bereavement.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 9am – 5pm Helpline: 0800 02 888 40 Email: support@childbereavementuk.org
Grief Encounter aims to provide support to anyone who has suffered from bereavement. They offer support via their helpline. Their website has resources for children, teenagers, adults and professionals.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 9am – 5pm Helpline: 0208 371 8455 Website: www.griefencounter.org.uk Email: support@griefencounter.org.uk
Support services available to anybody aged 11 – 25 when a close family member is diagnosed with a life–threatening illness.
Phone: 01989 566 317 Email: help@hopesupportservices.org.uk
For People Bereaved through Suicide, Crime, or Accident
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide
Gives callers a chance to talk confidentially with someone who has been bereaved by suicide, to ask questions, and know you’re not alone.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 9am – 9pm Helpline: 0300 111 5065 Website: www.uksobs.org Email: sobs.support@hotmail.com
Support after Murder and Manslaughter
Gives callers a chance to talk confidentially with volunteers who have been bereaved by homicide, and to receive advice and support.
Helpline: 0845 872 3440 (if your call isn’t answered please leave a message and they will get back to you) Website: www.samm.org.uk Email: info@samm.org.uk
Set up by families who have been bereaved by homicide.Through their counselling and other services they provide vital support for families who have been affected by this, and aim to campaign and raise awareness of the impact of violent crime.
Phone: 07947 684 605 Website: www.throughunity.co.uk Email: reachingout@throughunity.com
A network of organisations that support people who have been bereaved or affected by suicide. Offers support, guides and contact details of useful organisations.
Website: www.supportaftersuicide.org.uk
For anyone who has been bereaved or seriously injured in a crash or their carers, however long ago this happened. It is also for professionals who need information about how to help people affected by a crash.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 10am – 4pm Phone: 0808 8000 401 Website: www.brake.org.uk Email: helpline@brake.org.uk
Helps bereaved families cope and build resilience through peer support, local group networks and trauma support programmes. They also provide information guides on navigating the justice system and help with seeking fair compensation for bereaved families and seriously injured victims.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 10am – 5pm Phone: 0845 4500 355 Website: www.roadpeace.org Email: helpline@brake.org.uk
Free confidential support (independent of the police) for anyone in England or Wales who has been affected by crime.
Hours: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week Phone: 0808 1689 111 Website: www.victimsupport.org.uk Email: via website
Helpline providing practical advice and information to anyone who is concerned that a young person they know may be at risk of suicide, or a young person who is worried about their own suicidal feelings. Papyrus’ trained advisors can help to create safety plans for anyone who is worried about acting on their suicidal thoughts.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 10am – 10pm, Saturday – Sunday: 2pm – 10pm, Bank Holidays: 2pm – 5pm Helpline: 0800 068 4141 – (Freephone from landlines) Website: www.papyrus-uk.org
For Bereaved Parents
A pregnancy loss helpline which provides information and support.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 9am – 4pm Helpline: 01924 200 799 Website: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk Email: info@miscarriageassociation.org.uk
Offer bereaved families support after the death of a child of any age. The Compassionate Friends also has an online Forum where you can talk online and get support from other bereaved parents.
Hours: 10am – 4pm and 7pm – 10pm: every day of the year Helpline: 0345 123 2304 Northern Ireland Helpline: 0288 77 88 016 (10am – 4pm and 7pm – 9.30pm) Website: www.tcf.org.uk Email: helpline@tcf.org.uk
Stillbirth & Neonatal Death (SANDS)
The Sands free Helpline provides a safe, confidential place for anyone who has been affected by the death of a baby, however long ago. Their experienced Helpline Team are there to listen and offer support and information without judgement.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 9.30am – 5.30pm, plus Tuesdays and Thursdays: 6pm – 10pm Helpline: 0808 164 3332 Website: www.uk–sands.org Email: helpline@uk–sands.org
Support for families, friends, carers and professionals after the sudden and unexpected death of a baby or young toddler.
Hours: Monday – Friday: 10am – 5pm, Weekends and Bank Holidays: 6pm – 10pm Helpline: 0808 802 6868 Website: www.lullabytrust.org.uk Email: support@lullabytrust.org.uk
Your call will be answered by a trained volunteer who has also lost a child and understands the feelings that surround the death of a child. They offer a confidential, safe environment where you can talk openly about your child’s life and death, and provide support not only at times of crisis but also for the on-going needs over your lifetime.
Hours: Helpline Monday – Friday: 10am – 1pm, Tuesdays and Wednesdays: 1pm – 4pm, Every evening: 7pm – 10pm Helpline: 0800 282 986 – (Free from landlines) Helpline: 0808 800 6019 – (Free from mobiles) Website: www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk Email: via website